Hot Married Sex

“Say my name, bitch!” is a line from American Pie (delivered brilliantly by Alyson Hannigan) that stays with most people who have seen the movie. “Say my name” – with or without the bitch – is also the title of several popular songs. Now, as if making a further evolutionary leap, it’s the title of this post here at Hot Married Sex.

Married couples tend to call each other lots of different names when having hot sex and even not-so-hot sex. The names range from the gentle babe, honey, love and sweetheart (I’ll stop there before I need a bucket) to the much more intense bastard, bitch and slut. But the most powerful name you can call your partner isn’t any of these. No, the one that works the most magic is so close to home that most of us forget to use it. I am referring, of course, to their Christian name.

What often happens in a marriage is that we get so used to being with our husband or wife that they become, to a great extent, a part of us. This makes for a very comfortable relationship, but it also has its downsides. One downside is that we forget to tell them how much we really care about them (“She should know that by now, dammit!”). Another is that it can make it easier for us to take them for granted. And a third is that we forget to connect directly with them when making love, fucking, having hot sex or whatever else you want to call it.

Imagine how you would feel if, the next time your partner approaches orgasm, they were to look right into your eyes and moan, gasp or scream your real name before finally allowing themselves to be enveloped by their climax. The chances are that hearing them say your name instead of “God!”, “Yes!” or “Yeah Baby!” would have a pretty big impact on you. You’d feel a more intense connection, a greater sense of satisfaction and a more profound feeling of the hot sex having some real meaning.

If you agree with any of that, your homework for the next time you have hot sex is simple: give your husband or wife those incredible feelings by using their real name. Don’t repeat their name throughout the session so that you sound like you’re trying to sell them something, but do be sure to connect with them in this way as you reach your orgasm. It’s a very simple idea, but most people find that it’s a very powerful one.

In my previous post on Screaming Orgasms I somehow – accidentally, inadvertently, and undeliberately – used the phrase “muff-diving” to refer to the act of cunnilingus. It has now come to my attention that said “muff-diving” is a term that some women don’t like.

Maybe it’s because it makes cunnilingus sound like an Olympic sport. Or maybe some women don’t like to refer to their muffs as muffs because they shave their pubes. In this case, would a shaved muff be better referred to as a buff? And would buff-diving then be a similarly unacceptable term?

It never ceases to amaze me how language divides people, especially in the area of sexuality. Should we say vagina, pussy or something else? Should we say penis, cock or dick? Is cunnilingus preferable to muff-diving, eating out or drinking from the furry bowl? And what about fellatio? Is that really any more polite than saying cock-sucking or dick-licking?

Some people could get offended when I refer to hot sex as “fucking”, because they might assume that fucking doesn’t involve love. But for me, it does, because I only ever fuck my wife, and I love her to bits. And that brings me to my point, which is this: words can only be offensive when the person being offended brings their own definition to those words.

When I say muff-diving I mean the fine art of going down on my lady and performing a loving act of cunnilingus. That’s my definition of the phrase, so I don’t find it offensive or intend offence when I use it. However, if you picture a guy standing on a diving board wearing a snorkel and flippers, about to make a leap of faith into an overgrown pussy – sorry, vagina – then I can understand how it might not be such a pretty phrase for you. But remember, YOU put that guy in flippers, not me.

So, whilst you’re here, make yourself useful and tell me what words you prefer to use for the following. Also tell me which words for the following turn you on the most, if those are different:

1 – Penis
2 – Vagina
3 – Sexual Intercourse
4 – Fellatio
5 – Cunnilingus

Yesterday I put forward the idea that sexual tension leads to hot sex. If this is the case, how can we increase the amount of sexual tension in our marriage without damaging the relationship itself? Well, there are in fact several ways, and the most useful are as follows:

Retain Some Independence – Although it’s inevitable that couples grow closer the more time they spend together, you should try to make sure that both of you are able to retain some level of independence. Enjoy separate hobbies and interests, have a few non-mutual friends and generally work at keeping at least some aspect of yourself out of the “couple” category. This will ensure that you and your partner don’t become clones with opposing genitalia, and helps keep sexual tension alive.

Agree To Disagree – Couples who insist that they have to agree on everything, no matter how trivial, are inadvertently quelling the sexual tension in their marriage. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean that you have to have exactly the same views on minor matters. Yes, broad agreement on major issues is important, but a little disagreement about whether it’s better to spit or swallow, or watch porn on DVD rather than on a computer (to provide just two appropriately sexy examples) can be a good thing, because it increases tension a notch or two.

Surprise Your Spouse – If your spouse can predict your every move and word, sexual tension will be low. Increase it by breaking out of habitual patterns and deliberately surprising your partner every now and again. Use explicit language if you’re normally shy and reserved in bed. Reveal one of your most secret fantasies in the middle of a conversation about utility bills. “Forget” to wear underwear and make sure your partner discovers your omission. And if you’re the kind of person who does all of that anyway, go to the opposite extreme and surprise your spouse with flowers, chocolates or a new CD.

There are plenty of other ways to increase sexual tension in a safe way, so I’ll leave you to think up some of your own. Just remember that sexual tension is directly related to difference and surprise, so the more different and surprising you can be in areas that aren’t of any great importance, the more you will be able to keep the tension high and enjoy the hot sex that is associated with it.

Talking dirty is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to better sex that I know of, but what exactly is it, why does it work and how can we make it more effective. Those are the questions I want to explore here.

Dirty talk can best be defined as “sexually provocative language”. In other words, it’s language that we use to try and provoke a heightened sexual response in our partner. Note the way I slipped the word “try” in that last sentence. I did that because not all forms of dirty talk will be considered provocative to all people.

Calling one woman “a fucking slut” in the middle of sex may drive her wild. Calling another woman the same could well result in a slap across the face and a sudden period of enforced celibacy. The same applies when women attempt to talk dirty with their husbands. A woman who says “fuck me like a whore!” might get a great response from one type of guy, and no response at all from another.

For dirty talk to be effective, it needs to be tailored to the person who is going to hear it. Obviously you know your spouse better than anyone, so take a moment to think about the kind of things that are likely to drive them wild in bed and formulate a plan to make your dirty talk as effective and mutually satisfying as possible.

Questions To Ponder

What kind of words does your spouse use? What do they say when they refer to a pussy, cock or the act of having sex? When you have clarified this (we all know but seldom think about it) it makes sense to use the same words when talking dirty – unless you know that coming out with a stronger word at the right moment will send your husband or wife over the edge.

What tone of voice does your partner like? Tonality, accent and pronunciation can be just as important as actual content, so be aware of not only what you say, but also of how you say it. Would your husband want you to whisper “fuck me harder” or to scream it out loud? Would your wife want you to moan “God yeah” quietly or to hiss “God, yeah!” through gritted teeth?

What scenarios turn your spouse on? Knowing this can help you tailor your talk so that it presses their buttons. If your husband likes it when you act like a porn star, you can talk like one (watch a few movies for inspiration if you need to). If your wife likes to fantasise that she’s been hired as your escort for the night, talk to her as if that’s the case.

The point here is that the most effective way of using dirty talk to drive your spouse wild is by giving them what they most desire. You will get turned on the more they get turned on, so you both win and hot sex is virtually guaranteed.

I came across this humorous video on YouTube and I thought it was a great illustration of miscommunication in marriage and how it can lead to sexual frustration. The video is actually a commercial for a telecommunications company, so it’s safe viewing for anyone.