Hot Married Sex

How hot are you? That’s a question that few people ever ask themselves with any seriousness, but one that can help you to pack more sizzle into your relationship than any other.

When most of us think about our relationships, we tend to assess the other people in it. How hot is my wife/husband? Could they be hotter? What can I do to help them to let go of their inhibitions and unleash their inner slut/bad boy?

Whilst such questions can be useful in some circumstances, I have another question that is even more powerful: Would I get turned on if I lived with me?

Think about that question for a moment and imagine that you’ve traded places with your significant other. Then, through their eyes, honestly evaluate how much of a turn on you really are. Are you the kind of person that you’d like to live with? Are you as sexy, funny, charming, loving, caring, honest and considerate as you normally think you are? Or are you sometimes demanding, selfish, inconsiderate and deceitful? And would you really and truly be delighted to live with yourself for one year, five years, ten years and more?

Most of us who consider such questions honestly will admit that there is certainly room for improvement, and that’s a good thing, because it gives us something to work on to improve our marriages without pointing the finger anywhere outside ourselves.

One of the best things you or I can do to make our marriages stronger, our married sex hotter and our lives happier, is to commit ourselves to becoming a better person for the benefit and happiness of our spouse. This doesn’t mean putting our spouse at the centre of the universe; it just means understanding the impact we have on the marriage as a whole, and doing our best to make that impact the very best one we can manage.

So ask yourself again: Would I get turned on if I lived with me? If the honest answer is yes, congratulations. Define what makes you so great and do more of it. If the honest answer is hesitant or negative, identify what you can do to improve yourself and start working on those things. By improving yourself you will do your marriage and your hot sex life the world of good, and your spouse won’t fail to notice.

Manners and etiquette aren’t the most popular words of the 21st century, but they are essential if you want to enjoy hot married sex on a regular basis. If talking about manners and etiquette is likely to make you fall asleep then just think of something called The Dating Mentality.

My view is that if more married men and women worked on adopting the same attitude to their partner as they did when they first started dating them, the level of sexual intimacy and heat they would enjoy as a married couple would go through the roof. Why? Because most couples simply don’t try as hard to impress after a few years of marriage as they did in the beginning.

Think back to the time when you first started dating your spouse. The chances are that you were very particular about the way you presented yourself – paying attention to everything from the clothes and cologne that you wore right through to the words you used in general conversation. Guys, you probably tried hard to do gentlemanly things like opening doors and pulling out chairs for your partner. Ladies, you probably tried hard to flirt and look interested without being pushy. And you know what? All of this stuff worked, because here you are, years later with wedding rings on your fingers.

But where did The Dating Mentality go? If you’re like most couples, you probably allowed it to sneak off when nobody was looking. And although years of being together have brought you far closer than you were back in the beginning, the more relaxed attitude probably means that neither of you are as mindful of the impression you make on your partner as you once were.

My suggestion for today is that you go back to how you were right at the beginning of your relationship and brush up The Dating Mentality. Present yourself carefully to make the best impression you can on your partner and enjoy flirting and playing as you did back then. Not only will your partner find the more obvious interest compelling, it will help you both to tap into the connection that lies at the heart of your relationship. And, yes, you’ll probably enjoy hotter married sex as a result…

In yesterday’s post on Sexual Polarity I explained how our positions on the scale of sexual polarity determine how passionate and intense our relationships are. The maximum amount of passion is experienced by partners who are on opposite ends of the scale, and the least amount by those who are hanging around together somewhere in the middle. I then left you with the task of identifying where you and your partner currently are on the scale, and where you both were when you first got married.

Now take a look at that homework. Have your positions changed at all? Has the passion changed? Would you like to increase the amount of passion you have? Are you prepared to move yourself on the scale to get things started?

If you answer to the last two questions is yes, you will be relieved to learn that moving along the scale in either direction isn’t difficult. However, it may demand that you ignore modern “political correctness” and embrace a few traditional ideas about masculine and feminine traits. My advice is to try following my suggestions and judge them on the results you get rather than on any theoretical notions you have about how things should work.

My advice is presented in two sections. The first is for those who want to move themselves closer to the masculine end of the scale, and the second is for those who want to move themselves closer to the feminine end of the scale. Each section contains a list of one sentence instructions that have been written in a non-specific way so that you can follow each one without having to compromise your beliefs or attitudes. Spend some time thinking about how you can follow each instruction to become more masculine or feminine, and then do just that.

I suggest you focus on just yourself at this time, as when you move yourself on the scale you will often find that your partner automatically starts travelling in the opposite direction without even hearing about this concept – that’s how deeply it’s embedded in human nature.

Maximising Masculinity

Take responsibility for your own life. Make your own decisions based on reason, logic and common sense. Look out for your family, but don’t be bullied by them. Work smart and work hard to provide for yourself and your family. Take pride in your partner and children. Value them. Respect them. Protect them. Guide them. Set goals and achieve them. Have self-reliance as your ultimate goal. Be direct and to the point in conversations. Take control. Dress like someone who is in control. Walk and talk like someone who is in control. Dominate your life.

Maximising Femininity

Respect the leadership of your masculine partner. Support their decisions and the fact that they are doing what they believe to be the best thing for you all. By all means use your feminine wiles to influence and persuade on important matters, but don’t try to force the issue. Create a calming and pleasant atmosphere for your partner so that they can relax properly. Allow yourself to be guided by your partner. Follow their lead. Support their efforts. Dress for the pleasure of your partner and to make yourself feel as feminine as possible. Walk and talk like someone who enjoys being led by their partner.  Enjoy being taken care of. Speak softly during conversations. Submit.

Now these lists might not go down very well with some people because they contain stereotypes of what it means to be masculine and feminine. My response to that criticism is that stereotypes didn’t become stereotypes by accident, and a traditional view of masculine and feminine tends to work best where sexual polarity is concerned.

Of course, if you’re a woman who needs to be strong and more masculine in the board room at work, you should feel free to do just that. Simply remember to go back into a more “feminine mode” when you return home to be with your husband. The key idea of this whole sexual polarity discussion is that we should all be a lot more aware of how our relative positions on the sexual polarity scale affect our relationships. When we are aware of that, we can all take steps to change our position and enjoy a more passionate and intense relationship – both in and out of the bedroom – as a result.

Sexual polarity is a simple concept that couples can use to make their relationships more exciting, intense and passionate. Note that I said relationships rather than sex lives. This is because sexual polarity plays just as large a role in daily life as it does in the bedroom.

The term sexual polarity refers to the two opposing ends of the masculine-feminine spectrum, and the concept that you can use to improve your relationship is this: opposites attract much more than those who are of a similar polarity. For example, if you are an extremely masculine man, you will be more attracted to an extremely feminine woman than you will to a masculine woman. Similarly, if you are a very feminine woman, you will be more attracted to a very masculine man than you will to an effeminate one.

Isn’t that common sense? Well, yes and no. Yes, because it’s a concept that has been at work (even if not defined) since the dawn of mankind. And no, because far too many couples complain about losing the “spark” in their marriage without considering whether this sexual polarity principle has been broken. And if you aren’t aware of it, the principle gets broken all the time.

Consider a very masculine man who marries a very feminine woman. As the years pass, the woman becomes stronger and more independent. She is used to being in charge at work, and brings that skill home to organise the household and family. At the same time, the man learns to soften his approach to life, communicates more openly about his feelings and even discovers that he enjoys cooking meals for the kids. All of this is good stuff in one context, but because both partners are moving towards each other on the sexual polarity scale, passion in the relationship will automatically decline.

You may think that I am being rather old fashioned here, and deserve the wrath of a thousand feminists, but I am not. The same sexual polarity principle applies to so-called fem-dom relationships where the female enjoys dominating the male and the male enjoys submitting to the female. In these situations, the passion is at its strongest when the female displays the maximum masculine trait of domination and the male displays the maximum female trait of submission. If the man suddenly gets more pushy, or the woman gets more lenient, the dynamic of the relationship changes automatically.

Now I am not saying that we should all choose one end of the spectrum and stick to it rigidly. It’s important for men to acknowledge their feminine side, and just as important for women to acknowledge their masculine side. What I am saying is that being aware of this sexual polarity concept can help you to identify if your relationship could be improved by adjusting the balance a little.

For example, if you know that you and your partner are more like buddies than polar opposites on the sexual polarity scale, you can take steps to move in opposite directions and brace yourselves for the increase in passion and intensity that will automatically follow. I will present some concrete ideas on how to do this tomorrow. Until then, have a think about the sexual polarity scale and try to identify where you and your partner appear on it. Then mark the scale to reflect where you both were when you got married. We will use that information tomorrow.

Eyes open orgasms are, as the term suggests, orgasms that you have with your eyes open. Most people have got into the habit of coming with their eyes closed, and although there’s nothing wrong with that, making a point of working towards and experiencing orgasm with your eyes open has a number of surprising benefits.

The first is that you will become more aware of how your body is responding to what you and your partner are doing. With your eyes closed it’s easy to just allow yourself to get carried along by sensations on a largely unconscious level, but when you have your eyes open you’ll connect the experience with the action that triggered it. For example, that delightful ache in your pussy might be due to the way your husband uses his fingers in just the right place. If you know this, you can identify exactly what turns you on more than anything else and, when the mood strikes, focus on it.

Next, having your eyes open allows you to make a deeper connection with your partner. Think about when the two of you first met and you might recall spending a long time looking into those eyes. But when was the last time you looked into them – really looked into them – for several minutes? If it’s more than a month (and for some people it’s years) keeping your eyes open and fixed on your partner during sex could rekindle some very deep feelings you’d forgotten you had.

Finally, when you achieve orgasm itself with your eyes open, you’ll find that it feels quite a bit different to an eyes closed orgasm. Rather than feeling yourself orgasm in a sea of blackness that has no real roots in time or space, you will notice that your orgasm feels more grounded, somehow more “real” and in many cases, more intense.

It has to be said that it generally takes longer to have an orgasm with your eyes open than it does to have one with your eyes closed (this is especially so for women), and you might need to give the idea a try several times before you finally succeed. But when you do, I’m confident that you’ll be glad you made the effort.