Hot Married Sex

How hot are you? That’s a question that few people ever ask themselves with any seriousness, but one that can help you to pack more sizzle into your relationship than any other.

When most of us think about our relationships, we tend to assess the other people in it. How hot is my wife/husband? Could they be hotter? What can I do to help them to let go of their inhibitions and unleash their inner slut/bad boy?

Whilst such questions can be useful in some circumstances, I have another question that is even more powerful: Would I get turned on if I lived with me?

Think about that question for a moment and imagine that you’ve traded places with your significant other. Then, through their eyes, honestly evaluate how much of a turn on you really are. Are you the kind of person that you’d like to live with? Are you as sexy, funny, charming, loving, caring, honest and considerate as you normally think you are? Or are you sometimes demanding, selfish, inconsiderate and deceitful? And would you really and truly be delighted to live with yourself for one year, five years, ten years and more?

Most of us who consider such questions honestly will admit that there is certainly room for improvement, and that’s a good thing, because it gives us something to work on to improve our marriages without pointing the finger anywhere outside ourselves.

One of the best things you or I can do to make our marriages stronger, our married sex hotter and our lives happier, is to commit ourselves to becoming a better person for the benefit and happiness of our spouse. This doesn’t mean putting our spouse at the centre of the universe; it just means understanding the impact we have on the marriage as a whole, and doing our best to make that impact the very best one we can manage.

So ask yourself again: Would I get turned on if I lived with me? If the honest answer is yes, congratulations. Define what makes you so great and do more of it. If the honest answer is hesitant or negative, identify what you can do to improve yourself and start working on those things. By improving yourself you will do your marriage and your hot sex life the world of good, and your spouse won’t fail to notice.

Manners and etiquette aren’t the most popular words of the 21st century, but they are essential if you want to enjoy hot married sex on a regular basis. If talking about manners and etiquette is likely to make you fall asleep then just think of something called The Dating Mentality.

My view is that if more married men and women worked on adopting the same attitude to their partner as they did when they first started dating them, the level of sexual intimacy and heat they would enjoy as a married couple would go through the roof. Why? Because most couples simply don’t try as hard to impress after a few years of marriage as they did in the beginning.

Think back to the time when you first started dating your spouse. The chances are that you were very particular about the way you presented yourself – paying attention to everything from the clothes and cologne that you wore right through to the words you used in general conversation. Guys, you probably tried hard to do gentlemanly things like opening doors and pulling out chairs for your partner. Ladies, you probably tried hard to flirt and look interested without being pushy. And you know what? All of this stuff worked, because here you are, years later with wedding rings on your fingers.

But where did The Dating Mentality go? If you’re like most couples, you probably allowed it to sneak off when nobody was looking. And although years of being together have brought you far closer than you were back in the beginning, the more relaxed attitude probably means that neither of you are as mindful of the impression you make on your partner as you once were.

My suggestion for today is that you go back to how you were right at the beginning of your relationship and brush up The Dating Mentality. Present yourself carefully to make the best impression you can on your partner and enjoy flirting and playing as you did back then. Not only will your partner find the more obvious interest compelling, it will help you both to tap into the connection that lies at the heart of your relationship. And, yes, you’ll probably enjoy hotter married sex as a result…

In yesterday’s post on Sexual Polarity I explained how our positions on the scale of sexual polarity determine how passionate and intense our relationships are. The maximum amount of passion is experienced by partners who are on opposite ends of the scale, and the least amount by those who are hanging around together somewhere in the middle. I then left you with the task of identifying where you and your partner currently are on the scale, and where you both were when you first got married.

Now take a look at that homework. Have your positions changed at all? Has the passion changed? Would you like to increase the amount of passion you have? Are you prepared to move yourself on the scale to get things started?

If you answer to the last two questions is yes, you will be relieved to learn that moving along the scale in either direction isn’t difficult. However, it may demand that you ignore modern “political correctness” and embrace a few traditional ideas about masculine and feminine traits. My advice is to try following my suggestions and judge them on the results you get rather than on any theoretical notions you have about how things should work.

My advice is presented in two sections. The first is for those who want to move themselves closer to the masculine end of the scale, and the second is for those who want to move themselves closer to the feminine end of the scale. Each section contains a list of one sentence instructions that have been written in a non-specific way so that you can follow each one without having to compromise your beliefs or attitudes. Spend some time thinking about how you can follow each instruction to become more masculine or feminine, and then do just that.

I suggest you focus on just yourself at this time, as when you move yourself on the scale you will often find that your partner automatically starts travelling in the opposite direction without even hearing about this concept – that’s how deeply it’s embedded in human nature.

Maximising Masculinity

Take responsibility for your own life. Make your own decisions based on reason, logic and common sense. Look out for your family, but don’t be bullied by them. Work smart and work hard to provide for yourself and your family. Take pride in your partner and children. Value them. Respect them. Protect them. Guide them. Set goals and achieve them. Have self-reliance as your ultimate goal. Be direct and to the point in conversations. Take control. Dress like someone who is in control. Walk and talk like someone who is in control. Dominate your life.

Maximising Femininity

Respect the leadership of your masculine partner. Support their decisions and the fact that they are doing what they believe to be the best thing for you all. By all means use your feminine wiles to influence and persuade on important matters, but don’t try to force the issue. Create a calming and pleasant atmosphere for your partner so that they can relax properly. Allow yourself to be guided by your partner. Follow their lead. Support their efforts. Dress for the pleasure of your partner and to make yourself feel as feminine as possible. Walk and talk like someone who enjoys being led by their partner.  Enjoy being taken care of. Speak softly during conversations. Submit.

Now these lists might not go down very well with some people because they contain stereotypes of what it means to be masculine and feminine. My response to that criticism is that stereotypes didn’t become stereotypes by accident, and a traditional view of masculine and feminine tends to work best where sexual polarity is concerned.

Of course, if you’re a woman who needs to be strong and more masculine in the board room at work, you should feel free to do just that. Simply remember to go back into a more “feminine mode” when you return home to be with your husband. The key idea of this whole sexual polarity discussion is that we should all be a lot more aware of how our relative positions on the sexual polarity scale affect our relationships. When we are aware of that, we can all take steps to change our position and enjoy a more passionate and intense relationship – both in and out of the bedroom – as a result.

Many people say that they would like to have sex more often than they do right now, and the good news is that having more sex is quite easy. All you have to do is forget about the frequency and focus on improving the quality of the sex you already have. If you do this, both of you will naturally want to have hot sex more often.

The problem for too many couples is that the sex they have is rudimentary, repetitive and boring. This being the case, it isn’t surprising that it only takes place once a week or once a month. But when the sex is hot, varied and exciting, both partners will want to enjoy it more often. In other words, if you look after the quality, the quantity will take care of itself.

The biggest enemy of hot sex is routine. Even the hottest sexual scenario which originally makes him hard and her damp at the sheer mention of it will lose its appeal if it is repeated over and over with no variety. You should therefore make an effort to shake things up on a regular basis, and avoid doing the same thing twice in one week. If you can avoid doing the same thing twice in a month, so much the better.

Married couples have so many options when it comes to having hot sex that achieving this isn’t as difficult as it might sound. You can role play a dozen different scenarios, have sex in at least half a dozen different places and try scores of sexual positions. One day she can be Miss Scarlet in the kitchen with the whipped cream, and the next time he can be Colonel Shafter in the bedroom with the blindfold. You can take erotic photographs or videos of each other, talk dirty, or even take the wedding dress out of storage and rediscover the erotic potential of the good old-fashioned missionary position. Make as much noise as you can during sex on one day, and try to be totally silent the next… I could continue listing different ways of making sex varied and novel, but if you don’t get the idea by now then you aren’t paying attention.

Unless one partner has a medical problem which causes low libido (in which case a visit to the doctors is in order) most couples can enjoy more sex by forgetting about frequency and focusing on making the sex that they do have as hot as varied as possible, as just described.

Hot sex is a great stress management tool, and by making sure that you enjoy hot sex on a regular basis, you can dramatically decrease the chances of being overwhelmed by the trials tensions of daily life. Some people rely on pills and potions to keep their stress levels under control, but hot sex is a much more natural – and arguably much safer – alternative.

We all know that physical exercise helps to reduce stress, but few people remember that hot sex – sex that gets your heart racing – is just as much a form of exercise as swimming, jogging or using a Stairmaster. Okay, you might not burn quite as many calories in bed as you would on a treadmill, but you will still increase your heart rate, release feel-good chemicals (endorphins) and burn up the feel-bad chemical cortisol.

I know that if I go more than a couple of days without having sex, I get stressed very easily. I also know that when I get stressed I feel less like having sex. This is a common situation, but if you aren’t aware of it you could well find yourself in a place where you never feel like having sex and you think the solution is to wait until you feel less stressed. Lots of couples fall into this trap, and as a result they can go for weeks, months or even years without sex, eventually concluding that “sex is overrated anyway” and settling for a life of celibacy by default.

There’s nothing wrong with celibacy if it’s a deliberate lifestyle choice and you happen to be single, but in a marriage sex is a very important glue that helps to hold the relationship together, so allowing stress to slowly dissolve that glue is potentially allowing the relationship itself to weaken.

If regular sex helps to relieve stress and keep a marriage strong, whilst irregular sex allows stress to build up and can put the marriage at risk over the long term, it makes sense to take sex seriously. So be wise and make a point of enjoying hot sex regularly with your spouse. Remember, a hot fuck a day keeps the Prozac at bay…