Hot Married Sex

Yesterday I put forward the idea that sexual tension leads to hot sex. If this is the case, how can we increase the amount of sexual tension in our marriage without damaging the relationship itself? Well, there are in fact several ways, and the most useful are as follows:

Retain Some Independence – Although it’s inevitable that couples grow closer the more time they spend together, you should try to make sure that both of you are able to retain some level of independence. Enjoy separate hobbies and interests, have a few non-mutual friends and generally work at keeping at least some aspect of yourself out of the “couple” category. This will ensure that you and your partner don’t become clones with opposing genitalia, and helps keep sexual tension alive.

Agree To Disagree – Couples who insist that they have to agree on everything, no matter how trivial, are inadvertently quelling the sexual tension in their marriage. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean that you have to have exactly the same views on minor matters. Yes, broad agreement on major issues is important, but a little disagreement about whether it’s better to spit or swallow, or watch porn on DVD rather than on a computer (to provide just two appropriately sexy examples) can be a good thing, because it increases tension a notch or two.

Surprise Your Spouse – If your spouse can predict your every move and word, sexual tension will be low. Increase it by breaking out of habitual patterns and deliberately surprising your partner every now and again. Use explicit language if you’re normally shy and reserved in bed. Reveal one of your most secret fantasies in the middle of a conversation about utility bills. “Forget” to wear underwear and make sure your partner discovers your omission. And if you’re the kind of person who does all of that anyway, go to the opposite extreme and surprise your spouse with flowers, chocolates or a new CD.

There are plenty of other ways to increase sexual tension in a safe way, so I’ll leave you to think up some of your own. Just remember that sexual tension is directly related to difference and surprise, so the more different and surprising you can be in areas that aren’t of any great importance, the more you will be able to keep the tension high and enjoy the hot sex that is associated with it.

Sexual tension plays a big role in the ability to enjoy hot sex over a lifetime with your spouse. My very simple equation is Quantity of Tension = Temperature of Sex. Bear with me and I’ll explain what I mean.

When a couple get together for the first time, there’s a lot of sexual tension because they hardly know each other, and they are total strangers sexually. The sex therefore tends to be pretty hot and memorable even if it’s fairly straightforward as far a sexual positions and variety is concerned.

Then, as the couple get to know each other more, the sexual tension begins to wane a bit, because tension is fuelled by surprise. The more you know your partner, the fewer surprises you can look forward to, the lower the tension and the more lukewarm the sex becomes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing at all wrong with lukewarm sex if it makes you both feel comfortable, and it’s way better than having no sex at all. But there is a danger that if things get too predictable you will start viewing sex itself as a rather meaningless act of “going through the motions” – of having sex out of habit more than out of any real desire.

If a couple has a major disagreement, particularly if it threatens the relationship itself, sexual tension skyrockets. A relationship that you thought was stable suddenly isn’t. A person you thought you knew so well that you could predict their every word and deed has thrown you a curve ball. You’re surprised, dammit! And even though you might be as angry as hell with your partner during the disagreement itself, if you make up and go to bed, the sex will usually be as hot as the tension that preceded it.

So what’s my point? Well, I’m not advising couples to start arguments with each other just to have better sex, because in the long term that’s asking for trouble (though you’d be surprised at how many people deliberately pick arguments for that very purpose) but we can increase sexual tension in other ways that are nothing but helpful to your relationship.

Interested in knowing more? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post…

Hot sex is not the kind of term that is particularly self-explanatory, because we all have our own ideas of what hot sex means. For one couple, having sex with the lights on might represent the pinnacle of hotness. For another, sex might only be viewed as hot if it involves bondage rope, two bottles of lube, nipple clamps and a butt plug.

My own definition of hot sex is: “any sex that is so involving that you aren’t aware of anything else”. It’s that state of sexual frenzy where you temporarily forget about your job, your tax return and maybe even your marital status. When you’re having hot sex, all that matters is the sex itself, and your senses are so enthralled by the experience of the moment that you’re able to actually lose yourself in it.

I tend to differentiate between having hot sex and making love, because – for me – making love means having sex consciously. When I make love with my wife I’m thinking about her in a deliberate way, and sex just happens to be the tool I use to express those thoughts.

Making love is nice, now and again, but both myself and my wife prefer hot sex to making love any day of the week. The energy is stronger, the connection actually seems deeper and the orgasms tend to be more powerful.

Your definition of hot sex may well be different from mine, but I thought it might be useful to explain how I use the term here at Hot Married Sex.

So, what are your thoughts on hot sex? What’s hot for you and why?

Erotic photography can be a turn-on for many married couples, and I’m not really talking about just looking at it. Actually grabbing a camera and taking erotic pictures of each other in various states of dress and/or undress can do wonders for the libido.

Exactly why erotic photography is so powerful a tool is difficult to pinpoint. Some people simply like the idea of their spouse getting turned on by looking at them – it makes them feel more desirable and, yes, maybe they get a thrill from being viewed as an “object of lust”. Others find that posing for erotic shots makes them feel more confident as a sexual being. And still others like the whole “power play” of directing or being directed to pose in a certain way, adopt a certain look, and so on.

If you and your spouse would like to consider exploring erotic photography, here are some suggestions to get you started:

Make sure you’re both keen. Taking erotic photos is only a turn-on if you both enjoy it. If one of you doesn’t want to take photos, drop the whole subject and find something that you’re both keen to try. There will be plenty of other ideas presented in this blog so come back often or subscribe to our RSS feed for inspiration.

Decide what kind of photos you want to take. Do you want to take pictures of each other, or will just one of you be the model? Clothed, semi-clothed or nude? Do you want the pictures to be softcore and erotic or hardcore and explicit? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but establishing your goal at the outset will ensure that you proceed accordingly.

Use a digital camera. If you only have a camera with film then buy a digital camera and any accessories you might need (our own Hot Married Sex store has a HOME MOVIES page that might be helpful) otherwise you might blush when you collect your pictures after processing.

Enjoy the photography. Most couples enjoy taking the photos more than looking at them afterwards, so enjoy the experience fully. Get into the fun of it, get turned on and – as if you needed any encouragement – have great sex afterwards.

Review and purge. After you have taken your first batch of photos, review them together and decide which ones are keepers and which ones you want to delete. Continually reviewing and purging older photos whenever you take new ones is a good way of ensuring you don’t end up with thousands of images when you only want a few dozen.

Store your photos securely. The keepers should be stored securely – a USB pen drive can be handy for this, as it can be kept in your bedside drawer. If you decide to store your photos on the drive of your main PC, put them in a secure folder and don’t forget to delete them if you sell the computer at a later date, otherwise you could end up more famous than you might like.

Erotic photography is more about attitude than looks. Few of us have “Perfect 10” physiques, and in reality few of us find Perfect 10’s very appealing, so if you have the desire to take erotic pictures with your spouse, go for it. Who knows? You might even progress to making home movies…

It seems that sex videos are a bit like taxis and buses here in the UK - you wait for ages and then watch several turn up at once. Here’s another funny “sex” video and, like the last one, it’s a television commercial - this time from furniture manufacturer and retailer IKEA. It’s not the kind of commercial they’d allow responsible adults to watch on UK television (we are, as everyone knows, totally averse to sex of any kind) but fortunately we get to see it via YouTube.