Hot Married Sex

Sexual tension plays a big role in the ability to enjoy hot sex over a lifetime with your spouse. My very simple equation is Quantity of Tension = Temperature of Sex. Bear with me and I’ll explain what I mean.

When a couple get together for the first time, there’s a lot of sexual tension because they hardly know each other, and they are total strangers sexually. The sex therefore tends to be pretty hot and memorable even if it’s fairly straightforward as far a sexual positions and variety is concerned.

Then, as the couple get to know each other more, the sexual tension begins to wane a bit, because tension is fuelled by surprise. The more you know your partner, the fewer surprises you can look forward to, the lower the tension and the more lukewarm the sex becomes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing at all wrong with lukewarm sex if it makes you both feel comfortable, and it’s way better than having no sex at all. But there is a danger that if things get too predictable you will start viewing sex itself as a rather meaningless act of “going through the motions” – of having sex out of habit more than out of any real desire.

If a couple has a major disagreement, particularly if it threatens the relationship itself, sexual tension skyrockets. A relationship that you thought was stable suddenly isn’t. A person you thought you knew so well that you could predict their every word and deed has thrown you a curve ball. You’re surprised, dammit! And even though you might be as angry as hell with your partner during the disagreement itself, if you make up and go to bed, the sex will usually be as hot as the tension that preceded it.

So what’s my point? Well, I’m not advising couples to start arguments with each other just to have better sex, because in the long term that’s asking for trouble (though you’d be surprised at how many people deliberately pick arguments for that very purpose) but we can increase sexual tension in other ways that are nothing but helpful to your relationship.

Interested in knowing more? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post…

Talking dirty is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to better sex that I know of, but what exactly is it, why does it work and how can we make it more effective. Those are the questions I want to explore here.

Dirty talk can best be defined as “sexually provocative language”. In other words, it’s language that we use to try and provoke a heightened sexual response in our partner. Note the way I slipped the word “try” in that last sentence. I did that because not all forms of dirty talk will be considered provocative to all people.

Calling one woman “a fucking slut” in the middle of sex may drive her wild. Calling another woman the same could well result in a slap across the face and a sudden period of enforced celibacy. The same applies when women attempt to talk dirty with their husbands. A woman who says “fuck me like a whore!” might get a great response from one type of guy, and no response at all from another.

For dirty talk to be effective, it needs to be tailored to the person who is going to hear it. Obviously you know your spouse better than anyone, so take a moment to think about the kind of things that are likely to drive them wild in bed and formulate a plan to make your dirty talk as effective and mutually satisfying as possible.

Questions To Ponder

What kind of words does your spouse use? What do they say when they refer to a pussy, cock or the act of having sex? When you have clarified this (we all know but seldom think about it) it makes sense to use the same words when talking dirty – unless you know that coming out with a stronger word at the right moment will send your husband or wife over the edge.

What tone of voice does your partner like? Tonality, accent and pronunciation can be just as important as actual content, so be aware of not only what you say, but also of how you say it. Would your husband want you to whisper “fuck me harder” or to scream it out loud? Would your wife want you to moan “God yeah” quietly or to hiss “God, yeah!” through gritted teeth?

What scenarios turn your spouse on? Knowing this can help you tailor your talk so that it presses their buttons. If your husband likes it when you act like a porn star, you can talk like one (watch a few movies for inspiration if you need to). If your wife likes to fantasise that she’s been hired as your escort for the night, talk to her as if that’s the case.

The point here is that the most effective way of using dirty talk to drive your spouse wild is by giving them what they most desire. You will get turned on the more they get turned on, so you both win and hot sex is virtually guaranteed.

Yesterday I talked about whether watching porn was a good or bad thing in a marriage, and my conclusion was that it depends on the people in the marriage. If both partners are happy to watch porn and derive pleasure and benefit from it then there’s no reason not to as far as I can see.

That said, I think we all have to be careful, especially if there are kids or visitors in the house. Having your Aunt Mabel come across your well-hidden DVD stash because you forgot to rescue it from the spare room isn’t something that you’d be likely to forget in a hurry, and it’s because of risks like this that more and more couples are beginning to rely exclusively on streaming porn.

Streaming porn is porn that you watch on your desktop or laptop computer, and the advantage is that it’s convenient (no shopping trips required if the mood hits you suddenly) and there are no physical DVDs to hide from Aunt Mabel.

Of course, you have to be selective about where you choose to buy your online porn. What you want to look for is a site that is legal, licensed and responsible and provides a good an ever-growing range of movies at a reasonable price. You also need to make sure that the site has excellent customer services should a stream or download go wrong.

One of the best places we have found for streaming porn is Strictly Broadband. It’s a British-based company with a wide selection of titles that can be viewed on demand. There are also movies that you can download to play on a video iPod or PSP, which is handy. Other providers can be found on our XXX Links page.

Is pornography an aid or an obstacle as far as having hot married sex is concerned? This is a question that many people ask, but the short answer is that there is no short answer. Whether porn enhances a relationship or otherwise depends on the individuals involved in the marriage and what their perceptions of porn are to begin with.

Couples who agree that porn is harmless fun can get a great deal out of porn. They can use it together to increase libido, maybe learn a few tricks and spark a hot, steamy session that brings them closer.

Couples who agree that porn isn’t harmless fun – for whatever reason – can choose to avoid it and find other ways of increasing their libido, expanding their sexual repertoires and keep sex hot and exciting.

The only couples who might have some difficulty with porn is where one partner is really into it and the other isn’t. In this scenario I believe the spouse who is enthusiastic about porn has to discuss the issue with their partner. There are a couple of questions that could be asked:

What is your partner’s definition of porn? It could be that they assume all porn is hardcore to the extreme and involves peanut butter pony play in gimp masks. If so, they might still feel comfortable watching much gentler porn with a plot that provides a more romantic context.

How would they feel about you watching porn in private from time to time? If it’s an issue for them you need to find out so that you can respect the wishes of your spouse and keep your marriage strong and healthy. Watching porn in secret may give you a thrill in the short term, but if the cost is marital peace and harmony, I’d say the short term thrill would come at far too big a price.

What alternatives to porn would your partner be willing to explore? How about verbal porn, where you both create your own scenarios? Or maybe reading explicit fiction to each other would provide all the thrill you need to pep up your sex life?

This is a big subject, so I will be revisiting it in the near future. For now, I’d conclude that porn isn’t actually necessary for a married couple to have hot sex, but that it does help many – especially when they’ve been together for years and know every inch of each other intimately.

And for those of you who want to explore the world of non-porn sexual video (yes, there really is such a thing!) I suggest you take a look at My Beautiful Agony and I Feel Myself. You may be surprised at just how arousing non-porn can be!

Hot Married Sex is a blog about getting the most out of your sex life with your spouse. Whether you have been married for two years or twenty, making hotter sex a priority has a number of benefits. For example, couples who have hot sex on a regular basis tend to be more intimate in every other area of life. Another benefit is that hot sex is one of the most enjoyable forms of cardio exercise we know of, and can help you to burn a few calories and have fun at the same time. And yes, hot sex can make your marriage stronger.