Hot Married Sex

Yesterday I put forward the idea that sexual tension leads to hot sex. If this is the case, how can we increase the amount of sexual tension in our marriage without damaging the relationship itself? Well, there are in fact several ways, and the most useful are as follows:

Retain Some Independence – Although it’s inevitable that couples grow closer the more time they spend together, you should try to make sure that both of you are able to retain some level of independence. Enjoy separate hobbies and interests, have a few non-mutual friends and generally work at keeping at least some aspect of yourself out of the “couple” category. This will ensure that you and your partner don’t become clones with opposing genitalia, and helps keep sexual tension alive.

Agree To Disagree – Couples who insist that they have to agree on everything, no matter how trivial, are inadvertently quelling the sexual tension in their marriage. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean that you have to have exactly the same views on minor matters. Yes, broad agreement on major issues is important, but a little disagreement about whether it’s better to spit or swallow, or watch porn on DVD rather than on a computer (to provide just two appropriately sexy examples) can be a good thing, because it increases tension a notch or two.

Surprise Your Spouse – If your spouse can predict your every move and word, sexual tension will be low. Increase it by breaking out of habitual patterns and deliberately surprising your partner every now and again. Use explicit language if you’re normally shy and reserved in bed. Reveal one of your most secret fantasies in the middle of a conversation about utility bills. “Forget” to wear underwear and make sure your partner discovers your omission. And if you’re the kind of person who does all of that anyway, go to the opposite extreme and surprise your spouse with flowers, chocolates or a new CD.

There are plenty of other ways to increase sexual tension in a safe way, so I’ll leave you to think up some of your own. Just remember that sexual tension is directly related to difference and surprise, so the more different and surprising you can be in areas that aren’t of any great importance, the more you will be able to keep the tension high and enjoy the hot sex that is associated with it.

Sexual tension plays a big role in the ability to enjoy hot sex over a lifetime with your spouse. My very simple equation is Quantity of Tension = Temperature of Sex. Bear with me and I’ll explain what I mean.

When a couple get together for the first time, there’s a lot of sexual tension because they hardly know each other, and they are total strangers sexually. The sex therefore tends to be pretty hot and memorable even if it’s fairly straightforward as far a sexual positions and variety is concerned.

Then, as the couple get to know each other more, the sexual tension begins to wane a bit, because tension is fuelled by surprise. The more you know your partner, the fewer surprises you can look forward to, the lower the tension and the more lukewarm the sex becomes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing at all wrong with lukewarm sex if it makes you both feel comfortable, and it’s way better than having no sex at all. But there is a danger that if things get too predictable you will start viewing sex itself as a rather meaningless act of “going through the motions” – of having sex out of habit more than out of any real desire.

If a couple has a major disagreement, particularly if it threatens the relationship itself, sexual tension skyrockets. A relationship that you thought was stable suddenly isn’t. A person you thought you knew so well that you could predict their every word and deed has thrown you a curve ball. You’re surprised, dammit! And even though you might be as angry as hell with your partner during the disagreement itself, if you make up and go to bed, the sex will usually be as hot as the tension that preceded it.

So what’s my point? Well, I’m not advising couples to start arguments with each other just to have better sex, because in the long term that’s asking for trouble (though you’d be surprised at how many people deliberately pick arguments for that very purpose) but we can increase sexual tension in other ways that are nothing but helpful to your relationship.

Interested in knowing more? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post…